Matters of Circumstance Read online

  “Oh, sorry,” he said, moving his hands from around them. He probably thought he was flattening them or something.

  “I didn’t do that, they moved on their own.”

  That got him to lean back and look her in the face with pleasant surprise. And she didn’t exactly want to, but she let him go and stared back all the same.

  “You’ve actually been doing the exercises?” he asked incredulously.

  Farrah frowned. “Yes. I do them every morning before school, just like you recommended.”

  “Yeah, but you hate your wings,” he said, and she could hear his energy rising with every word. “I didn’t think you were actually doing anything with them. I thought you just said you did to make me happy.”

  She supposed she understood why he would think that, but that didn’t mean she liked the sound of it. “I don’t hate them.”

  “If you don’t, then what do you feel about them? I always thought you hated them.” He didn’t sound challenging, merely curious. Interested in the truth, like the science-minded person he was.

  “I—well, I don’t love them, either, you were right about that,” she said, struggling to find the right words to express herself. “But—I don’t know, it is sort of cool that they’ve been getting stronger, too…”

  Neal grinned from ear to ear and play-punched her arm. “So you do like them, a little bit.”

  “I just really don’t like all the stuff that comes with them: having to wear a sweater all the time, being afraid to talk to my parents or go to the doctor, being hounded by people I can’t escape because I’m at work—”

  “Okay, okay, I get it,” he said soothingly, pushing her hair out of her face. Then he gathered her in his arms like she was a little lost puppy he had plucked out of a sodden cardboard box in the middle of a rainstorm.

  Come to think of it, Farrah thought as she silently held him back, that was sort of what he had done.

  She swallowed, her face boiling in mortification at how easy it was to get her acting like this nowadays. Pre-wings Farrah had never been weak and melodramatic. She wanted to tell Neal how sorry she was that this kept happening, but she had already said that too much lately. There had to be another way to make it up to him.

  “Have you gotten any new data?” she asked, trying to direct the conversation away from herself.

  “Beyond everything that I’ve already told you?”

  “That was, like, a month ago or something.”

  He laughed quietly and pulled away. “Well, I don’t know for sure, but if that dead guy is any indication then the range of people who could grow or are growing wings is probably random, and younger people like us, who have pretty much just gotten over puberty, are more likely to survive the development. I’m guessing it’s because we have more energy and material to work with than, say, a 39-year-old man.”

  In one movement he was laying with his head on her lap. His wings were mostly closed and sprawled on either side of him, and there was a self-assured smile on his naturally tanned face. “That guy could have also been a fluke. I don’t know anything but what the newspaper said about him—they said that except for the lumps he had no health problems, so I’ll have to take their word for it, but he could have been abnormally weak, too. Anything is possible, so I really can’t come to any conclusions from just him. It would have been easier if I could have talked to him, you know?”

  A little tentatively, she pushed her fingers through the barest tips of his blonde hair. “Are you frustrated?”

  “Not like you,” he said, meeting her eyes more or less upside down.

  “Figuring this out means a lot to you, though, doesn’t it?”

  “I want to understand why we’re like this, and what this is supposed to mean,” he replied with a fairly nonchalant gesture to his wings. “It’s more out of curiosity than necessity.”

  “But you like having answers, don’t you?”

  Neal raised his eyebrows. “Are you trying to get at something?”

  “I just thought of it right now,” she said, moving her fingers a little closer to his scalp, exposing his dark and light blonde highlights. “What if I talked to those people to see what they know? It might help us out.”

  If his expression was any indication, then Neal was not as sold on this idea as she hoped he might be. “Yeah, but you’re terrified of them. Why would you put yourself through that, if you didn’t know what was going to happen?”

  “Because if it helped it would be worth it?”

  He thought, and then said carefully, “Obviously I can’t tell you to do it or not, but my spidey senses are tingling. I don’t think you should, but my opinion doesn’t have to mean anything.”

  “Your opinion means something to me.” It meant everything.

  “Thanks.” Neal smiled a little wider, revealing that lone snaggletooth, and she found her whole being surging with affection. If it wouldn’t have been so awkward, she would have kissed him.

  “Is all this natural?” she asked, ruffling his hair so he would understand what she was referring to.

  “As far as I know,” he said without missing a beat. He apparently sensed that a subject change was in order as well.

  Farrah could not help the somewhat puzzled quirk of her lips. “What do you mean, as far as you know?”

  “I don’t know what people do to me while I’m asleep at parties or whatever,” he said. And then he seemed to catch himself. “Not that hairstyling would be my first prank, but…”

  She laughed. “Yeah, I hear you. I just haven’t seen so many highlights before.” Still sifting through his hair, she admired how beautifully varied it was. Hers wasn’t like this at all; it was just the same big, bushy color all throughout. Like a Spanish Hermione Granger.

  “I’m sure it’s attributed to my blonde-haired blue-eyed Aryan heritage.” He yawned and covered his mouth with his hand. “Oh god, I’m starting to fall asleep on you. Sorry about that.” He made to sit up, but she put her hands on his shoulders to stop him.

  “It’s fine, I don’t mind if you stay there,” she said. Then she flashed him a teasing grin. “Just don’t actually fall asleep. I want to keep talking to you.”

  Neal did not need to be told twice, for he settled back down fast. “I’ll try,” he said. “But for a human pillow you’re pretty damn comfortable.”

  *****

  Farrah was still on the lookout for that weird couple two days later when Ruby approached her. School had just gotten out, and Farrah was walking to her car. This was a strange experience, too, but she had the early afternoon shift at Joe’s today so she couldn’t take the bus and still make it in time.

  “Hi Farrah,” she said, but there was something off in her voice.

  “Hey Ruby,” she replied, channeling lightheartedness because she didn’t know what else to do. “I can’t talk very long ‘cause my shift starts soon, but if you need a ride—”

  “No, I’m covered today,” she said, smiling briefly and stiffly.

  “Okay then, what—”

  “Do you need to talk about something?” It came out forcefully, and the expression on Ruby’s pretty face indicated that she had wanted to say that for a while.

  Farrah frowned, her eyebrows drawing together in her perplexity. “Talk about what?” she asked.

  “That’s the thing: I don’t know, but you’ve been so distant lately—have you noticed that?” Now Ruby looked a little hurt.

  They had reached Farrah’s car at this point, exchanging various greetings with their classmates along the way as if nothing was wrong. Truth be told, Farah wished someone else was bombarding her with conversation right now, because she really didn’t know what to say.

  Well, honesty was the best policy, right? “I… I’m speechless, Rube. I had no idea I was being distant at all.”

  “That wasn’t what I mean,” she said. “Not really—I mean, I know we’ve never been best friends or anything, but we still used to talk about some things and now it’s lik
e we don’t even talk at all.”

  She was actually bothered by that? Farrah was at once touched and guilty. Of course she was aware of how distant she had been from Ruby—not to mention Michael—these days, but…

  She especially felt bad because she didn’t think she had the courage to tell Ruby what was really going on. She probably trusted her enough, but actually getting the words out was a whole other story.

  “Ruby, this is going to sound really cliché, but you have to believe me when I say that if I could tell you, I would. I’m just—” she cut herself off and fiddled with the shoulder strap of her backpack, searching for the right words. “A lot of things are going on right now. My parents don’t even know about it. I swear that’s no lie.”

  “What? Not even your parents?” she said disbelievingly. “But you have a great relationship—” Her eyes widened and she looked at Farrah’s hoodie with a whole new light, then back to her face. This repeated twice before she said, “Oh my god. Farrah, you’re not preg—”

  “No, I’m not,” she said—and quickly, before someone else in the parking lot could mishear and start spreading rumors. “It—god, how do I even…?” She put her hand on her forehead, eyes searching for an inspiration of some kind. Nothing appeared.

  God, she had to get to work. She didn’t have the time for this.

  “It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen,” she finally said. “And Neal—”

  “Oh yeah, Neal.” Farrah had never heard so much disdain in her friend’s voice as she did right now. “Everything must be just wonderful with wonderful old Neal around, huh? He’s the one you really want to be around, isn’t he? People like me and Michael—we just pass the time until the bell rings and you can be with Neal again, don’t we?”

  That hurt, Farrah thought. That cut deep. “Ruby, that’s not fair,” she said, her voice shaking with something she didn’t think she should name. “He’s not even here to defend himself, for starters, and he has done nothing wrong. He’s been the one putting up with me this entire time—and let me tell you, that is no easy job. If you want to get mad at somebody, get mad at me, but Neal does not deserve to be picked on like that.”

  “Fine, I will get mad at you,” Ruby snapped. “We have known each other since middle school, but the minute something comes up you run to someone you’ve known for—what? Three months? What makes me so untrustworthy, huh? What’s wrong with Michael? What have we ever done so wrong that Neal’s done right?”

  Obviously Ruby and Michael had discussed this before. Farrah felt worse than ever to know that they felt that way.

  Then she remembered that she had to get to work. Christ, this really wasn’t the time to be having a conversation like this.

  “I’m not trying to demean what you’re saying or anything, but can we continue this discussion on the way to Joe’s? I really have to get going.”

  At first Ruby looked like she wanted to say no and walk away, but then she stomped over to the passenger door with a huffy, “Fine. Just let me text my ride.”

  Farrah unlocked her car and they got in. She drove wordlessly as Ruby told her ride what was going on.

  “I hope you didn’t have anything important planned,” Farrah said apologetically once she was sure the conversation was done.

  Ruby paused, then sighed heavily. Her sweet-smelling perfume had already filled the car to the roof. Farrah was lucky that it was a nice scent. “No, we were just going to hang out. They’re going to pick me up at Joe’s now—will probably buy coffees, too, thank me very much,” she said with half-hearted bitchiness.

  Farrah snorted softly. “Yes, thank you for forcing me to work even harder for my $8.50 an hour,” she said jokingly.

  Ruby giggled a little reluctantly, but it was laughter all the same. Then the car fell completely silent and Farrah knew her friend was waiting for an explanation for why she and Michael were apparently substandard in comparison to Neal.

  “It’s not you guys at all,” Farrah said. “I don’t know how to make you believe that.” To be honest, she hadn’t been aware that they cared this much to begin with.

  Nothing. That was clearly not a good enough reason.

  Farrah let out a breath, rolling up to a stoplight and waiting for it to change. She hoped that what came next would be enough, because after that she didn’t have anything. “I didn’t know Neal at all three months ago—you know that—and then things just started happening and all of a sudden my life was spinning out of control and I find out he’s going through the same thing. The only reason we started talking is because we could relate, but before I knew it the situation became an Issue with a capital I and Neal’s the only one that knows. I guess I never wanted to bother anyone else with it.”

  Her friend was quiet for a while. Traffic was moving smoothly, too, so Farrah focused on that while she waited on tenterhooks for what would come next.

  Eventually Ruby said, “I understand all that, actually. It’s hard when things get out of control.”

  Farrah breathed a sigh of genuine relief as the feeling washed over her. “Oh my god, you have no idea how much I appreciate—”

  “But what I still don’t get is what that initial connection was—what could possibly be going on that only you and Neal feel it? I mean, there are so many things that could happen, but nothing is unique.”

  “Trust me, it is unique. You’re never going to be able to guess what,” she said with a little more confidence as she pulled into a parking space at the shopping center. Joe’s was in sight, and according to her car’s digital clock she had only about seven minutes in which to be there.

  Ruby opened her door, but looked back at Farrah as she gathered up her keys, purse and work polo. “What is it, then?”

  Farrah got out of the car and bumped the door shut with her hip. Ruby followed suit at a much slower pace, but Farrah could feel her friend’s eyes boring into the side of her head.

  She glanced at her watch, and though she knew she would be pushing it she forced the words out all the same, “You’re not going to like it.”

  “What? Do you think I’ll ditch you and tell the whole school about it out of sheer bitchiness?” said Ruby, walking alongside her with a very determined air. “After all I’ve done today just to get you to open up to me?”

  “In my defense, I had no idea you and Michael cared so much,” said Farrah, her eyes flicking to the single-stall bathroom and her blood jumping in trepidation.

  ‘Just don’t think about it,’ she told herself. ‘Don’t think. Ruby of all people deserves to kn

  ow, doesn’t she?’

  Somehow it was easier to think of doing this than it was of telling her parents about her wings. Farrah wasn’t sure if it was because she thought Ruby more open-minded and accepting, or if her opinion mattered a little less.

  “What do you mean, you didn’t know?” Ruby squawked.

  “I didn’t. I just thought that… you guys didn’t notice what I did in my spare time, I guess. That we were those sort of people who are good friends while we’re together, but aren’t when we’re apart.” Farrah didn’t quite know how to describe it other than that. She hoped it made sense.

  “Is that seriously what you thought?”

  “Not really. I just didn’t think it would be mutual. You said yourself, we were never best friends.” That was her real opinion. Were she allowed, Farrah wouldn’t mind getting closer to Michael and Ruby, she had just… thought she was the only one.

  At this point the fact she wasn’t going to Joe’s Joe was apparent, and Ruby said confusedly, “Um, where are we going? Joe’s is the other way.”

  Farrah took another deep breath. “I’m going to show you,” she said as she opened the bathroom door (which was conveniently unoccupied). “I think it’ll blow over better that way.”

  Bewildered and a little uncomfortable, Ruby nevertheless followed her into the tiny, dingy bathroom. A nearly overwhelming sense of déjà vu came over Farrah as she flipped on the light and locked
the door.

  “Yeah, Farrah, that’s creepy. Just a little,” she said, but Farrah could tell that she was only feigning the confidence in her voice.

  “Imagine what passers by are thinking when they see us go into a single-toilet bathroom together” was her only reply as she put her purse and apron on the little metal shelf attached to the bottom of the mirror.

  Then, fussing with the hem of her hoodie, she turned to her friend. “Okay, this is going to be weird and a little awkward, but remember that you’re the one who wanted to know,” she said.

  Ruby rolled her eyes, plainly thinking this was a joke now. “Show me the weirdness, Fare.”

  Her heart was beating frantically in her chest and her mind was simultaneously reminding her that she had to work in five minutes and screaming that doing this was going to lose her the good friend she hadn’t even known she had. Farrah took another big breath and stripped off her hoodie (which was, indeed, a little awkward).

  “What?” said Ruby, unimpressed. “Is NeverShoutNever the scandalous secret?”

  Having forgotten the shirt she was wearing, Farrah had to glance down in order for her friend’s comment to make sense. “No,” she managed to choke out.

  Then she did the really awkward thing and pulled off her shirt to expose her wings. It took some concentration, but she managed to unfurl them too.

  Never had she felt déjà vu like this. It was like she was playing Neal’s part in a movie or something.

  However, unlike Neal, she had her eyes scrunched shut tight and was already cowering, awaiting judgment for her crazy stunt. Any time now Ruby would scream in horror and dash out of the bathroom without so much as a glance back. She had lost a friend, she was a freak that had just done a really stupid thing—

  Disbelieving, somewhat shaky fingers touched the tip of her right wing. It was getting really hard to keep them both open, too, so she let them fold up against her torso again with a sigh.

  “Oh.” Farrah’s eyes snapped open to see Ruby drawing her hand back as if she had been slashed at. “Sorry. I just wanted to…” She glanced down, a little sheepish. Some pink was even dusting her fair cheeks. “Make sure they were real,” she finished quietly.